News Item: Donald Drusky, 63 of East McKeesport, PA, had his lawsuit naming God as a defendant thrown out by a court in Syracuse. In the complaint he argued that God had failed to bring him justice against U.S. Steel, which fired him in 1968. It further stated that Drusky wanted God to give him the skills of famous guitarists and return his youth, not to mention resurrect his mother and pet pidgeon. U.S. District Judge Norman Mondue found the suit to be frivolous.

Damn! Why didn't I think of that?

Sue God· What a great idea! I'd always thought that if you wanted the guitar skills of an Eric Clapton (and no "Clapton is God cracks, OK?) or a Jimi Hendrix, you only had two ways to get there. You could either lock yourself in a room and practice incessantly, or you could strike a deal with the "Other Guy."

Geez, didn't this guy see my ALL TIME FAVE guitar playin' movie? No, I'm not talkin' about "Deliverance," wise guy! (soooeeee) I'm talkin' about "Crossroads." That scene where Ralph Macchio duels none other than Steve Vai for his immortal soul is so amazing. Whoa Dude, I must've rewound it about twenty-five times! The amazing part is that Ralph actually wins! Whoops Steve Vai! Who woulda thought? But then, if I had Ry Cooder as my "ghost guitarist" I might like my chances a lot better, too.

If you could sell your soul to the Devil to play like any guitarist, who would it be? Zappa? Stevie Ray? Page? Beck? No kid, not "two turntables and a microphone!" JEFF Beck! You know - Yardbirds? Jeff Beck Group? "Blow by Blow? Well how about James Hetfield then, smart guy?

Me, I would want to play like Joe Walsh. Play slide like on "Rocky Mountain Way?" Blast devastating power chords like on "Walk Away" or "The Bomber?" Funk 49? "Dunna-da-dum-dum-da dumm· DUMMM!" Get to be in The Eagles? Cool. I make that deal in a heartbeat! Well, maybe not.Problem is, Devil don't want my tattered, raggedy-ass old soul. And anyway, going to Hell for all eternity is kind of a steep downside. Burning pit of unquenchable fire? Totrures of the damned? "Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here?" Rumor has it the place kinda sucks, so that option is out.

But Sue God? Makes sense to me! Hey, God's got deep pockets. Literally all the money in the world! Every major babe there ever was - his creations! Want a Ferrari or a 200-room mansion? No problem! Plus, ya think there's any lawyers in Heaven? It'd be easy to beat Him in courtGod has been known as being kinda reclusive as a rule, so He'd be a pushover! If the Almighty doesn't show up, you win by default.

Geez, This guy Drusky was on to something! The more I think about this the better it sounds! Yeah, I'm gonna get me a big-time lawyer like Johnnie Cochran or one of the other "dream teamers." Actually, I can get any hack on the bar, since God probably isn't gonna show up.

It's a done deal, but there's just one problem. Some really high items on my list that I really want - some real love in my life, maybe a shot at redemption? God gives that away, free. Yeah, free. Talk about some serious shareware! Here I was all set to sue God for some major booty, and it turns out there''s no need.

Damn, why didn't I think of that?

Peace, man.

Originally Submitted to Goldport.com Summer 1999

Last Updated 12.9.04