This article was written in response to a post on the Randi Rhodes Message Board, in which the original poster asked others to envision a 20-minute interview with Bush and Cheney in which they only told the truth and nothing but the truth. Of course, this is an imaginary scenario and fictional since both are such compulsive liars!

Bush:

• Look, the only reason I'm here is because Dick is so loathsome that he could never be elected. Besides, they needed a front man to misdirect the Media's focus from the guys with the real power doing what they please behind the scenes.

• It was our plan to go to war with Iraq and Iran from the get-go. We needed an excuse to do it so when we heard Osama Bin Laden had agents in the country and was planning an attack on American soil, we looked the other way. 9-11 gave us more power than we ever dreamed possible! Anytime we do something somebody doesn’t like, we can invoke 9-11. It’s beautiful.

• I don't read anything. Not the newspapers, not the blogs, not the Internet; not even the briefing papers my staff prepared for me. They don't even bother anymore We've kept it under wraps but I'm really dyslexic – it runs in the family. I read on like a first or second grade level. The only information I take in is what my handlers spoon-feed me, and even then I only hear what I want to hear.

• My Dad was always so pompous and overbearing! It was hard having to live in Mr. Overachiever’s shadow and not made any easier by him and Ma always calling me an idiot! I wanted to go to war with Iraq and crush Saddam Hussein as much as Dick did, but for my own reasons. Dick wanted the oil, I just wanted to get revenge for the family on Saddam and show my smug-ass Daddy I could do something he couldn't!

• I don't know why everybody hates me so much. America has always been run by the elite and they have always owned everything. It's all about money and you loser minorities and wimp-ass Democrats aren't going to help us get it! Stop whining about your hopeless little ideals, grow up and get with the program!

• Good thing we set up those black box Diebold machines in Ohio. With the votes from Cincinnati and Gary we dumped, Kerry won the state by 50,000 votes.

• Dick didn't authorize Libby to leak Valerie Plame's identity to the press, I did! It was my decision and I take full responsibility.

• Of course I ducked my last two years of duty in the Air National Guard. That's why you can't find any records and that's why nobody collected Gary Trudeau's $10,000 reward for someone to come forward and say they remembered seeing me on base! But we leaked forged copies of some of my "scrubbed" files to Dan Rather. They were obvious fakes but Rather wanted to get us so bad he went with the story anyway. When he couldn't confirm their authenticity we got CBS to flush him, which they were all too happy to do given his poor ratings. I have to say, it was one Karl's more brilliant ideas. Rather gave Nixon a lot of trouble and we were all happy to see the back of him!

• BOTH Karl Rove and Ken Mehlman got BJ's from Jeff Gannon in the Oval Office. Clinton would be SO PISSED to find that out after we crucified him for doing the same thing. Jerkwad. I hate having to pretend I don’t loathe him and his bitch wife. Laura and especially Ma hate them both even more than I do!

• Being President of the United States was a great gig at first, but then it got really hard. I wish I could have quit after my first term. Being President is hard work! I swear to God, if they'd let me I'd go home to Crawford right now!

• I really could give a rat’s ass about Jesus but it sure helped me get elected didn’t it? Holy rolling suckers!

• I fell off the wagon two months into my first term. Being President means having to go to a lot of parties, ya know!

Cheney:

• Bush is a good little puppet-boy who does what he's told. He believes everything we tell him because he's too stupid to think for himself. Rummy and I made him what he is - our stooge in the White House. We were looking for one and he certainly fills the bill! After Reagan got shot at the beginning of his second term, he was never again the man that he was. It was covered up, but he was too ill to be in command anymore. In his weakened state, the Cabinet had almost free reign to keep the government running. It was then we learned the value of having a figurehead as head of state while we did what we pleased behind the scenes. Sometimes Nancy Reagan asked us pointed questions just to make us squirm but our boy Dubya lets us do whatever we want.

• We were planning to invade Iraq from the get-go. The secret energy meetings we held before 9-11 were to divvy up the spoils of war once we ousted Saddam. But Rummy screwed up the occupation trying to do it on the cheap. So we had to go to "Plan B," deliberately mismanaging the war and maintaining chaos so we could funnel gobs of money to our corporate sponsors like Halliburton. Of course, my Halliburton holdings are held in a "blind trust!" (wink wink)

• We're just gonna unilaterally nuke Iran and there's not a god damn thing you can do about it. Tough f**king s**t if you don't like it.

• 10% of all the windfall profits the oil companies are making is being funneled into Swiss bank accounts to assure key Administration officials enjoy a very comfortable retirement indeed! Once we’re done we’ll all have the “F.U. Money” and it won’t matter what they try to do to us. We’ll all have plenty of money for all the lawyers we’ll ever need.

• I’m the shadow President of the United States. I call all the shots, as if everyone didn’t know. I have my minions in every department of the government, and no decision gets made without my blessing. Look what happens when Dubya tries to make his own decisions – you get a f**king mess like that debacle with Harriet Meiers! We would really be f**ked if he were the one actually RUNNING America!

• You’re looking at the single biggest reason George W. Bush will never be impeached! Because even if he is impeached, what’s really changed? Only the location of my office! BWAA HAAA HAAA HAAA HAAA HAAAAA!

• Of course I was drunk when I shot him! What are you, f**king stupid or something?

Last Updated 5.04.06